Humour

From HeliNet

Helicopter Humor / Wisdom / Great Quotes

"The helicopter approaches closer than any other vehicle to fulfillment of mankind's ancient dream of the flying horse, and the magic carpet" ---Igor Sikorsky

"If you are in trouble anywhere in the world, an airplane can fly over and drop flowers, but a helicopter can land and save your life" ---Igor Sikorsky, 1947

• The rotor is just a big fan on top of the helicopter designed to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

• Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

• I never liked riding in helicopters because there's a fair probability that the bottom part will get going around as fast as the top part.

— Lt. Col. John Wittenborn, USAFR.

• Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers & helicopters -- in that order -- need two. — Paul Slattery

• If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage / classic helicopter fly-ins? — Anonymous
• Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
• Helicopters don't fly . . . . they just beat the air into submission.
• Never let a helicopter take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
• Don't drop the helicopter in order to fly the microphone. A helicopter flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi.

   * A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion.

   * No matter what else happens, fly the helicopter. Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; a helicopter flies because of money.
   * Helicopters are for the rich . . . or the enlisted.
   * If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter . . . and therefore, unsafe.
   * If something hasn't broken on your helicopter . . . it's about to.

   * A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the helicopter again

General Rules of the Air

   * Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory . . . in other words, for every take-off, there WILL be a landing.
   * If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
   * Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

   * One of the most important skills that a pilot must develop is the skill to ignore those things that were designed by non-pilots to get the pilot's attention.
   * It's always better to be down on the ground wishing you were up in the air than up in the air wishing you were down on the ground.
   * The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
   * When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No-one has ever collided with the sky.
   * Try to learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
   * The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

   * In a twin-engine aircraft, the purpose of the second engine is to supply the pilot with enough power to fly to the scene of the crash.
   * Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another aircraft going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
   * Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal the number of take-offs you've made.

   * A meteorologist is just a common person who went to school long enough to be paid to guess what the weather is going to be.
   * You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
   * If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
   * In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
   * A flashlight is a tubular metal container kept in a flight bag by the pilot for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
   * Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
   * Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
   * Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
   * There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. However, there are no old, bold pilots.

   * Just remember: If you crash because of bad weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
   * You know they invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA Inspectors to walk on their hind legs. — Marty Caidin
   * The FAA's motto: We're not happy until you're not happy.

   * If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn' em back off.
   * When the pilot screws up . . . the pilot dies. When Air Traffic Control screws up . . . the pilot dies.
   * Never trust your life to the judgement or the instructions of a government employee.
   * A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.
   * Always remember you fly an aeroplane with your head, not your hands.

   * "Unskilled" pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around the microphone.

   * Remember that the radio is only an electronic suggestion box for the pilot. Sometimes the only way to clear up a problem is to turn it off.

   * Flying the aircraft is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

   * Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers attached.

   * It is solely the pilot's responsibility to never let any other thing touch his aircraft.

   * Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!

   * Everyone already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the aircraft another time.

   * IFR: I Follow Roads . . . . or, I Follow Rivers . . . . or, I Follow Railroads

   * You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

   * Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.

   * Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty glass.

   * Things which do you no good in aviation: The sky above you. The runway behind you. The fuel still in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.

   * If God had meant man to fly, He'd have given him lots more money.

   * What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

   * A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a corpse.

   * Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a tree what it thinks about dogs.

   * Trust your captain but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

   * An aircraft may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.
   * Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.

   * Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.

   * There are only two things required to fly a modern airliner: a pilot and a dog. It's the pilot's job to feed the dog. It's the dog's job to bite the pilot if he touches anything in the cockpit.

   * Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

   * There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

   * It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.

   * Passengers prefer old captains and young flight attendants.

   * The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

   * It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

   * If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused an accident, the FAA would find a way to blame it on pilot error.

   * Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase head wind.

   * A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.

   * I know there's a lot of money in aviation because I put it there.

   * It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You just start off with a large fortune.

   * A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

   * A fool and his money are soon flying more aircraft than he can handle.

   * The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after making a gear up landing is to put the gear selection lever in the 'down' position.

   * You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

     There are Rules and there are Laws. The rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. The Laws (of Physics) were made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.
     In a multi-pilot aircraft, there are only three things the copilot should ever say:

     1. Nice landing, Sir.
     2. I'll buy the first round.
     3. I'll take the fat chick.

     Instrument flying is an unnatural act probably punishable by God. — Gordon Baxter

     The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:

     The second officer says, "Oh shit!"

     The first officer says, "I have an idea!"

     The captain says, "Hey, watch this!" — anon.

     In response to how he checked the weather, "I just whip out my blue card with a hole in it and read what it says: 'When color of card matches color of sky, FLY!'" — Gordon Baxter

"WHY I WANT TO BE A PILOT"

When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it's a fun job and easy to do. That's why there are so many pilots flying around these days. Pilots don't need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments. I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.

Pilots should be brave to they won't get scared it it's foggy and they can't see, or if a wing or motor falls off. Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can't be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them than we are.

The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don't because they know how easy it is. I hope I don't get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick, I couldn't be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.

— purported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson School, Beaufort, SC. It was first published in the South Carolina Aviation News Helicopters are Different From Airplanes The thing is, helicopters are different from planes. An airplane by its nature wants to fly, and if not interfered with too strongly by unusual events or by a deliberately incompetent pilot, it will fly. A helicopter does not want to fly. It is maintained in the air by a variety of forces and controls working in opposition to each other, and if there is any disturbance in this delicate balance the helicopter stops flying, immediately and disastrously. There is no such thing as a gliding helicopter. That is why being a helicopter pilot is so different from being an airplane pilot, and why, in generality, airplane pilots are open, clear-eyed, buoyant extroverts and helicopter pilots are brooders, introspective anticipators of trouble. They know if something bad has not happened, it is about to.

- - Commentary by Harry Reasoner, February 16, 1971 Low Flight for Helicopters Oh, I've slipped the surly bonds of earth

 And hovered out of ground effect on semi-rigid blades;

Earthward I've auto'ed and met the rising brush of non-paved terrain;

 And done a thousand things you would never care to,

Skidded and dropped and flared low in the heat soaked roar.

 Confined there, I've chased the earthbound traffic

And lost the race to insignificant headwinds;

 Forward and up a little in ground effect I've topped the General's hedge with drooping turns

Where never Skyhawk or even Phantom flew.

 Shaking and pulling collective,

I've lumbered the low untresspassed halls of victor airways,

 Put out my hand and touched a tree.

The Greatest Lies in Aviation: I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.

Me? I've never busted minimums.

We will be on time, maybe even early.

Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.

I have no interest in flying for the airlines.

I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.

All that turbulence spoiled my landing.

I'm a member of the mile high club.

I only need glasses for reading.

I broke out right at minimums.

The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.

Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.

If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.

I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a LearJet.

We shipped the part yesterday.

All you have to do is follow the book.

This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.

We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.

Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.

I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.

No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.

Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?

We'll be home by lunchtime.

Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.

I'm always glad to see the FAA.

We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.

It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?

I thought YOU took care of that.

I've got the field in sight.

I've got the traffic in sight.

Of course I know where we are.

I'm SURE the gear was down.